Tag Archives: Dreams

The Fear of Becoming One

Since facing marital difficulty in my marriage over twenty years ago, I have read numerous studies of divorce and marital difficulties. Although I have not done a mathematical analysis of the cause of divorce, it appears that the root cause of around 90% of them is the result of not wanting to become one with each other. One or both spouses do not want to give up their dreams of life for the sake of joint dreams with their spouse.

When God created woman, he purposely took part of the man to create the woman. Adam said:

 “This is now bone of my bones     and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’     for she was taken out of man.” Genesis 2:23(NIV)

To Adam’s comment, God replied:

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24(NIV)

Throughout time, man has made things stronger by combining two different elements into one. Take iron for example. When man began to cast iron, it was heated and poured into a mold. When it became hard, it maintained the shape of the mold. The only way a person could change the shape of the object was to remove some of the unwanted iron. If you flexed the iron, it would break.

However, man discovered that if you did two things to the iron, it would become very useful. First, the iron was heated to the point that all of the impurities would come to the top and be scraped off the iron. This made a product called steel. Second, they learned they could mix other alloys with the steel, it could be used in many more applications other than the ones previously made from cast iron.

In plant life, man learned that he could take the good traits of two plants, cross-pollinate the two plants and come up with a new plant having the good traits of both plants. This process is called ‘hybridization’.

In the animal world, man learned that he could take the good traits of different breeds of animals, interbreed the animals so they would have the good traits of both breeds. This process is what creates a purebred.

Another example is the zipper on a coat. In a zipper we have two separate pieces of material that have protruding teeth. The zipper glide draws the two pieces of material together so the protruding teeth of one side of the zipper interlocks with the teeth in the other side of the zipper. When those teeth are interlocked, the garment will not separate. The zipper becomes one. When the zipper becomes one, the coat will be warmer and the person inside will feel more secure than before it was zipped.

In a marriage, the protruding teeth are the dreams and expectations of the two spouses. As couples allow their dreams to mesh, their marriage becomes stronger. Rather than losing their dreams, they a meshed together to become an even better dreams.

In a zipper when one side of the zipper attempts to mesh two teeth with one on the other side of the zipper, you will have a weak spot in the zipper that frequently causes the zipper to separate at that point. Until this problem is corrected, the zipper becomes useless. This same thing happens when one spouse attempts to place their dreams above the dreams of their spouse the marriage will develop a weak spot that will tend to unravel the marriage. To correct this problem in a marriage, there needs to be forgiveness. Sometimes we need to back up, forgive each other, and try again.

For a marriage to work properly, it is important for each spouse to listen to the other spouse and understand fully what their spouse is saying. Too many times, in an effort to protect one’s dream, people will shut out the dreams of their spouse. They will not listen to their spouse explain their position. When spouses do not understand each other’s dreams, one spouse will soon feel they have no value in the marriage and will seek a way out.

It is also important to understand that there is more than one right way to do somethings. Look at the proverbial toilet paper roll. Regardless if whether the paper comes off the top of the roll or the bottom of the roll, it can still accomplish it’s intended purpose.

If you look on the internet, you will find that there are at least two ways to boil eggs. One way is to place the eggs in cold water, heat the water until it comes to a boiling point, turn off the heat, then let the eggs stay in the water for a given length of time. A second way to boil eggs is to bring the water to a boiling point, place the eggs in the water, then let them boil for a period of time, turn off the heat and remove the eggs. Regardless of which method you use, you will get a boiled egg.

In a marriage we can become so concerned about the ‘right’ process that we fail to see the desired outcome. You can be so concerned about losing your dreams and expectations that you fail to realize the consequences of a failed marriage will have on your dream.


NOTE: scripture used in this blog was downloaded from http://biblegateway.com

What Makes a Marriage Bloom?

Every young person has dreams about their future. They have certain goals that they hope to accomplish; they want to be valued by the society in which they live.

The young lady will dream of weddings with all the frills and a wedding dress that will be better and prettier than any other wedding dress. She dreams of living in a beautiful home where everything is perfect. Somehow in the dreams the house always stays well kept. It never needs cleaning or dusting. There are never dirty clothes on the floor. Somehow the clothes never need washing, ironing, or being hung on hangers.

The young lady dreams about her wonderful husband that loves her so much that she gets every desire of her heart. He earns enough money that there is always money for dining out or attending a cultural event. There is always enough money to take a cruise or a vacation to the mountains, lake, or beach. In her dreams, there is nothing but love and protection. Her husband will never make a mistake.

The young man on the other hand dreams of having this important job as an executive or an indispensable employee. He dreams of the money he will make and how he will always drive the nicest car in the neighborhood, he will own the nicest house on the block. He may also dream of this beautiful boat that he can take to the lake and impress everyone with the beauty and size of his boat. He may dream of playing golf every week-end or going to the gym. Or he may dream of having a workshop where he can work on cars or boats; or perhaps work on various wood working projects that he makes to improve the decor of his house or make it more organized.

The young man may even dream about this beautiful woman that will treat him like a king. She will prepare his meals at just the right time; the meals will always be done to perfection; and there will never be a dirty dish in the sink. His clothes will always be washed, iron, and hung in the closet. Life will be wonderful. This woman will always be ready for intimacy at the snap of his fingers. Life will be so wonderful. His wife will never do anything that would displease him.

Then the day comes along when the lady and the man decided they have met their wonderful spouse. They date for a while with each person putting the other person into their own dreams. The day comes when they decide to get married. They may experience a little trouble in their intended mate but it will go away after they are married.

The couple gets married and reality sets in. The wife tried to make her husband fit the dreams that she had. She realizes that he does not have an unlimited income; he wants to have home prepared meals; his clothes get dirty and are always lying around. He has different ideas about what the home should look like; he gets tired after working all day long; and he is not the ‘knight in shining armor’ that she was dating. She just cannot make her husband into the man she dreamed would be her husband.

The husband begins to realize that she is not intimate at the snap of his fingers; she sometimes burns the food; she wakes up looking a mess and may even be a little grouchy; and she always seems to need money for something. There is not enough money to buy the car of their dreams or the house with the nice workshop. The wife sometimes gets tired after cleaning the house all day or running errands for him. She does not seem to be interested in becoming the girl of his dreams.

And they both think: “What have I done?” The marriage begins spiraling down and divorce begins to enter their minds. Their spouse has ruined their dreams. Rather than looking at the good things about their spouse, they begin looking for all the bad they have done. They start keeping score. They use the mistakes of their spouse like ammunition in the attempt to recover that dream they had before they were married.

But God has something much better for them if they willing to trust Him.

1 Corinthians 13 is considered the love chapter of the Bible. It is frequently used in Christian weddings but is not often understood. People tend to think the love just happens. Love is a choice we make. It is an emotion that requires action on our part. Here is what it says:

 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

  • Love is patient,
  • love is kind.
  • It does not envy,
  • it does not boast,
  • it is not proud.
  • It does not dishonor others,
  • it is not self-seeking,
  • it is not easily angered,
  • it keeps no record of wrongs.
  • Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
  • It always protects,
  • always trusts,
  • always hopes,
  • always perseveres.

Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:3-8a.(NIV)

This passage was not intended to be a definition of love but rather it is what happens to make love develop. It is the prescription for love. When we are self-centered and hoard everything for ourselves, we are not showing love because love cannot exist in these conditions. For love to exist, this is what you need to do:

  • Be patient,
  • Be kind.
  • Do not envy,
  • Do not boast,
  • Do not become proud.
  • Do not dishonor others,
  • Do not become self-seeking,
  • Do not easily become angry,
  • Do no keep record of wrongs.
  • Do not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
  • Always protects,
  • Always trusts,
  • Always hopes,
  • Always perseveres.

Then you will begin to experience love. It is then that you once again to see ‘the girl of your dreams’ or ‘your knight in shining armor’ because these actions are probably what you did before you were married.

Just as plants need the right fertilizer to produce beautiful blooms, love also needs the right fertilizer to produce. Doing the right things serves as the fertilizer needed for love to bloom. So rather than slinging mud at your partner because they are not what you expected, start sprinkling them with the proper balance of ‘fertilizer’ and they will become the person they should be; the person you wanted in your dreams. Your marriage will begin bloom again.

NOTE: Scripture used in this blog was downloaded from www.biblegateway.com