The Fear of Becoming One

Since facing marital difficulty in my marriage over twenty years ago, I have read numerous studies of divorce and marital difficulties. Although I have not done a mathematical analysis of the cause of divorce, it appears that the root cause of around 90% of them is the result of not wanting to become one with each other. One or both spouses do not want to give up their dreams of life for the sake of joint dreams with their spouse.

When God created woman, he purposely took part of the man to create the woman. Adam said:

 “This is now bone of my bones     and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’     for she was taken out of man.” Genesis 2:23(NIV)

To Adam’s comment, God replied:

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24(NIV)

Throughout time, man has made things stronger by combining two different elements into one. Take iron for example. When man began to cast iron, it was heated and poured into a mold. When it became hard, it maintained the shape of the mold. The only way a person could change the shape of the object was to remove some of the unwanted iron. If you flexed the iron, it would break.

However, man discovered that if you did two things to the iron, it would become very useful. First, the iron was heated to the point that all of the impurities would come to the top and be scraped off the iron. This made a product called steel. Second, they learned they could mix other alloys with the steel, it could be used in many more applications other than the ones previously made from cast iron.

In plant life, man learned that he could take the good traits of two plants, cross-pollinate the two plants and come up with a new plant having the good traits of both plants. This process is called ‘hybridization’.

In the animal world, man learned that he could take the good traits of different breeds of animals, interbreed the animals so they would have the good traits of both breeds. This process is what creates a purebred.

Another example is the zipper on a coat. In a zipper we have two separate pieces of material that have protruding teeth. The zipper glide draws the two pieces of material together so the protruding teeth of one side of the zipper interlocks with the teeth in the other side of the zipper. When those teeth are interlocked, the garment will not separate. The zipper becomes one. When the zipper becomes one, the coat will be warmer and the person inside will feel more secure than before it was zipped.

In a marriage, the protruding teeth are the dreams and expectations of the two spouses. As couples allow their dreams to mesh, their marriage becomes stronger. Rather than losing their dreams, they a meshed together to become an even better dreams.

In a zipper when one side of the zipper attempts to mesh two teeth with one on the other side of the zipper, you will have a weak spot in the zipper that frequently causes the zipper to separate at that point. Until this problem is corrected, the zipper becomes useless. This same thing happens when one spouse attempts to place their dreams above the dreams of their spouse the marriage will develop a weak spot that will tend to unravel the marriage. To correct this problem in a marriage, there needs to be forgiveness. Sometimes we need to back up, forgive each other, and try again.

For a marriage to work properly, it is important for each spouse to listen to the other spouse and understand fully what their spouse is saying. Too many times, in an effort to protect one’s dream, people will shut out the dreams of their spouse. They will not listen to their spouse explain their position. When spouses do not understand each other’s dreams, one spouse will soon feel they have no value in the marriage and will seek a way out.

It is also important to understand that there is more than one right way to do somethings. Look at the proverbial toilet paper roll. Regardless if whether the paper comes off the top of the roll or the bottom of the roll, it can still accomplish it’s intended purpose.

If you look on the internet, you will find that there are at least two ways to boil eggs. One way is to place the eggs in cold water, heat the water until it comes to a boiling point, turn off the heat, then let the eggs stay in the water for a given length of time. A second way to boil eggs is to bring the water to a boiling point, place the eggs in the water, then let them boil for a period of time, turn off the heat and remove the eggs. Regardless of which method you use, you will get a boiled egg.

In a marriage we can become so concerned about the ‘right’ process that we fail to see the desired outcome. You can be so concerned about losing your dreams and expectations that you fail to realize the consequences of a failed marriage will have on your dream.


NOTE: scripture used in this blog was downloaded from